Tales from a 20 Something was originally written as an outlet for my frustrations about my past. I went into great detail about my relationship with my step mother and how her abusive behaviors affected my life. I also shared the tale of my divorce and what led up to the inevitable downfall of my marriage. More recently, I am updating and making changes to adapt these articles into something a bit more revealing.
The new Tales from a 20 Something series will begin with my divorce and I will be going back over the stories that were written before and updating them in more detail. These stories are real events that happened in my life. I am hoping to shed some light on issues that many young women are forced to deal with.
A challenge I have been facing recently, is coming to terms with the fact that I tend to “play victim.” Granted, there are many situations in my life where I actually was a victim, but these situations and other factors trained me to think that everyone is always out to get me. I have learned a lot about myself in the last year, and one of the most prominent occurrences in my life is victimization. I have been struggling with the thought of it for a while now.
I found this video really mirrored my current situation. I’ll update the video once I do my own cover.
I’m currently undergoing therapy as well as taking medications to regulate anxiety and depression as well as my ADHD. Up until now, I felt that I didn’t require medications, and because of my mother’s overdose, I would often refuse to take medicine at all. I have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy and self hate. I am finding it hard to believe that my own mother could have neglected me the way she did. What kind of mother abuses a child to gain attention from hospital staff? My entire vision of my idol, my hero, my mother, is shattered. It once was hard to think that my step mom was capable of hating me, but I excused it because of the lack of blood relation. I feel more alone now than I ever have before, and the worst part is feeling ungrateful for the beautiful things in my life right now.
It’s so hard to feel positive and vibrant like I used to and the daily struggle is slowly eating me alive. I want to live peacefully, but I can’t sleep. I keep dreaming of awful things. I want to express love the way I used to, and I feel I am pressing my own feelings of inadequacy onto the people I love. I want everyone else to fix these problems for me, yet I face them alone. I hate that I feel this way. I want to love and to be loved, but its hard to love someone who hates their own being. Perhaps this will pass with time and effort. I truly hope so.
My journey starts here. I now begin to recant my earlier statements in order to replace them with more realistic interpretations of reality. Please follow along as I dig into my past brain to unveil a new one. I can no longer live in the fantasy world I created for myself as a child.
-Taylor N. Tales from a 20 Something xoxo
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