I have started a band and I’ve decided to call it “Tayke Flight.” I felt the name was appropriate due to my recent circumstances. My life has been a whirlwind of chaos and only recently did I discover that the master of chaos was me. My mind has been in a fog up until about 3 weeks ago, when I discovered some news about my life. My opinions were dramatically shifted and I began to see the world in an entirely different light. I realized that I had certainly been placed in some situations that were beyond my control, but it was circumstance that had lined my entire belief system. Many of you have learned about the mental disorder my mother allowed to consume her life. This disorder is called Munchhausen Syndrome by proxy.
(MSP) — or Munchausen by proxy — is a psychological disorder marked by attention-seeking behavior by a caregiver through those who are in their care.
MSP is a relatively rare behavioral disorder. It affects a primary caretaker, often the mother. The person with MSP gains attention by seeking medical help for exaggerated or made-up symptoms of a child in his or her care. As health care providers strive to identify what’s causing the child’s symptoms, the deliberate actions of the mother or caretaker can often make the symptoms worse.
The person with MSP does not seem to be motivated by a desire for any type of material gain. While health care providers are often unable to identify the specific cause of the child’s illness, they may not suspect the mother or caretaker of doing anything to harm the child. In fact the caregiver often appears to be very loving and caring and extremely distraught over her child’s illness.
People with MSP may create or exaggerate a child’s symptoms in several ways. They may simply lie about symptoms, alter tests (such as contaminating a urine sample), falsify medical records, or they may actually induce symptoms through various means, such as poisoning, suffocating, starving, and causing infection.
The sudden bomb that was dropped on the memories of my mother, shifted my train of thought. Perhaps, I also took part in playing the role of victim. I began going over my memories and realizing the missing pieces that my brain had blocked for years. My entire reality was shattered. I began to unravel the world that was set out before me. I have realized that some of my issues are my own doing, and these reactions are simply something I was trained to do. My mother “tricked” me into thinking that she was the only human on this earth who would ever truly love me, and the saddest part was that I believed her until now. I realize that part of my issue’s with my step-mother stemmed from my own mom brainwashing me into believing my step-mother was a monster. In believing she was one, I willed it to happen. A child, unaware of the truth, pressed another mentally damaged human to becoming a step-monster. This all took place because a sad human, my mother, did not want my father to be happy. I truly believe that my mother was so burdened by her own childhood, that she could never allow herself to be satisfied. I believe she unwillingly destroyed everything that ever made her happy, because she felt she did not deserve happiness. Depression and mental distress are no joke.
I began to realize the correlations between my own story line and my mother’s. She lived so carelessly and fast. Never waiting for her life, or the people who cared for her, to catch up before she was off to her next adventure. I believe she was running, but she had no earthly idea what she was running from. I can relate, because I felt the same in the years leading up to now. I ran from my childhood home (Which was just as awful as I explained.), to new life after life. I began creating identities for myself, and this was simply because I had no idea who I actually was. I was a lost soul floating and seeking a story line that worked for me. I was burdened with the same mental trauma passed down from generations of mothers to their daughters. I lived fast and fell hard. I was self-destructive and cruel. I used people repeatedly for my own gain, but there was a solid difference between my mother and I. I had the ability to work. I was programmed with a need for independence. I constantly searched for ways to gain my independence. The fundamental difference between my mother and I, was that I did not want to be taken care of. I wanted to be free.
I have spent my entire life doing, what I like to call, “Falling upward.” I repeatedly tried on new hats and created new false identities. I wanted to be loved and needed. I dreamed of having a life and a family, but I never felt loved. My marriage was shrouded with lies. Not only was I attempting to create a false identity my ex husband would love, but that I would love as well. I used “Christianity” as a tool for my own gain. I attempted to portray the “Loving Godly woman” my father had always pressed me to be. There was always a part of me who knew that this life was untrue, but I yearned so much to be this “perfect” woman. I wanted acceptance from my father, who neglected to care for me properly amidst the abuse my step-mother gave me. Though, I now realize she has as many mental issues as my mother and I. My father, to this day, believes he selected someone better. I know deep in my heart, that she is in need of that love and care. She is burdened my her mother’s clouded life, just as all daughters are. In reality, we should all seek the attention of a therapist if we truly want recovery.
My eyes have been opened to the disgusting nature of mental trauma, and I have been able to find closure in my past. No one who walks the face of this earth is a complete victim. We lie to ourselves (Sometimes unknowingly). We often believe that life is unfair and unjust, when the truth is that we are all damaged. I am in no way excusing the behavior of any three of my parents, but I am saying that I now have a clearer understanding of why they behave the way they did/do. I left my ex-husband with the notion that if I was ever going to be happy, I was going to have to tell the truth. I excluded my father from the truth because I didn’t think he would accept me and isolated myself from his care. I began dating a man who, much like me, had lived a life shrouded in lies and deceit.
How could I ever tell my dad that I had chosen someone so far from what he’d always hoped for me? The childish nature of that thought lingers in my mind. There was still a small part of my brain attempting to “Protect” me from the truth. It would be easy to pretend that I took no part in the flaws of my adult life, but that isn’t the purpose of my journey. I am learning to question every single thought that pop’s up in my brain, because sometimes the thoughts that destroy what we love, is a monster playing games with us. My monster, my conscience, my mental disability, is the voice of the person I used to hold closest to my heart. That voice is my mother. She died and left me with the remains of her battered and beaten down thoughts. She raised me to believe that I was a victim and that my life was more valuable than the lives of others. My mother believed these things because she never slowed down long enough to realize that the root of most of her issues was her careless nature.
It took me having a near death experience to finally begin asking the questions that truly mattered. A few weeks ago, my youngest brother graduated high school. My lovely boyfriend did everything in his power to get me to Oklahoma for this event, and during this trip I found out about my mother having Munchhausen syndrome. This discovery led to me double checking every detail of the way I had always lived my life. I discovered that my BMI was at 14 and dropping quickly. I had not been eating but 400 calories a day for the last two months. My depression was triggered and I had gone into self destruction mode. For those of you who are unaware, the last year, Jason and I have been caring for Jason’s mother. Jason’s mother had gone into her own mental distress due to her own personal journey which tipped me over the edge. I had been so distracted with caring for her, that I completely lost sight of caring for myself. She has, since then, began her own mental recovery and we are a household of love and are all attempting to recover from the trauma. In less than two months I had lost over 15 lbs. I weighed 90 lbs, and began blacking out. My body was crumbling and my bones were weak. My body had eaten nearly all of my muscle and I had begun to deteriorate.
My mother had given me anorexia. Due to her mental illness, she refused to feed me as a child which caused my appetite to diminish and I now have no natural cravings for food. Even when I have had no nutritional value, my body does not register to care for itself in that way. I had always denied having a problem, because in the last years of my mother’s life, she brainwashed me into believing that everyone was “Jealous” of my small figure. Even in the last days of her life, she was manipulating me into being self-destructive. Since my findings, I have gained over 8 lbs, and counting.
I refuse to let her actions define my life. This was my long winded way of telling all of you that I will now be “Taking flight,” which is exactly why I chose this band name. It is time for Taylor’s journey to begin and Kelly’s journey to be put to rest. I will no longer be letting my “Conscience” control my emotions, actions, and life. I hope everyone is ready for a wild ride, because this time each motion is my choice.