Days like today are when I feel like I have no control. My mind takes over all of my rational thinking. Who am I? What am I doing with my life, and why do I feel this way? I can’t explain to you what I’m even upset about. This has got to be depression, but it comes and goes. There are a few things that trigger my anxiety, and one of them is the stress of my family. Any interaction with my family is the most stressful occurrence in my life. Each time I have a break down it feels like I crawl into a shell and the outer layers are caving in on me, until suddenly the shell bursts open. Once the shell is removed my emotions take over my body. I begin feeling weak and useless. My mind thinks awful, terrible things.
“I am irrational, and I sometimes have no control of what I’m thinking and that is a scary reality to face.”
I hate this feeling and I never quite feel like it goes away completely. Some days are better than others, but most days I fight with myself. I think all the years of verbal abuse from my step mom lingers inside of my brain. Not the part of my brain that I can control, but a part I only just realized existed. She built a tiny version of herself with my face and placed it into my subconscious. I beat myself up using my words. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore that little voice in the back of my mind, and other days I want to cry because I feel worthless. My mind is a cage that I’m trapped in. Just like an endless cycle of inner humiliation. I don’t usually talk about this sort of thing, but it has weighed heavily on my heart today.
Did my mom feel this way? I sometimes wonder if the reason she was so miserable was her own doing. I really hope I’m not doing the same thing. There is only so long that a normal person can live with a monster inside of them. I don’t know why she made the choices that she did, but I find myself wondering if she had these little belittling thoughts. I wish I could talk to her and ask her how she used to feel. I just know I’m a lot like her, and that scares me. My mom’s biological mother overdosed and killed herself when she was about 34 and my mom did too, at the same age. I tell myself over and over again that I’m not going to be that person, but sometimes these evil thoughts won’t leave me alone. It really truly scares me.
I am irrational, and I sometimes have no control of what I’m thinking and that is a scary reality to face.
Have you experienced these feelings? Please join our support group linked here: Hipster University Abuse Group
Read more here: Tales From a 20 Something