In the last few posts I’ve talked about my childhood experiences, and I want to express how I’ve felt letting this information out into the public. The first thing I want to reiterate to you all is that my parents are one hundred percent aware of what I’ve been writing. The response I received was basically what I would have expected. My own father asked me if I can hate someone else for a while. That was the exact choice of words he decided to use.
“Can’t you find someone else to hate for a while?”
This reaction to my story really hurt me. I don’t understand how any person could read this information and not feel concerned. I feel that I am being viewed as a bad person for writing my experiences, and trying to muffle the sounds of crying isn’t going to do any good for anyone. There are issue’s that need to be addressed and stories that need to be heard. I will not stop writing how I feel and what I have been through. I completely understand what is going through my dad’s brain right now. He is in panic mode. I don’t think he realizes that he doesn’t have to live that way, and if he does realize it perhaps he doesn’t care enough about me.
I told my dad about a ton of these events. In fact, I told him so many times that he told me the following when I was about 12 or 13 years old: “I have to deal with her for the rest of my life, but I only have to deal with you until you’re eighteen. Who’s side do you think i’m going to pick?” This way of thinking hurt me more than I am capable of expressing. This wasn’t the only time that he has said things along these lines, but this is the only time that I will mention. When your own father tells you that you aren’t worth bothering with it really puts a feeling of abandonment in your heart. When you feel that your own flesh and blood doesn’t care for your well being, you want to do unspeakable things to yourself.
“I have to deal with her for the rest of my life, but I only have to deal with you until you’re eighteen. Who’s side do you think i’m going to pick?”
I fought depression growing up every day. I went through a period that few people know about where I was cutting myself and wanted to die. This is a serious issue with people going through these types of situations. The issue once you consider ending your life is that you don’t want to tell anyone about it. You don’t want to be considered crazy. You bury the feelings of self doubt deep inside. The worst part about feeling this way was that my mom had a lot of issues. I’m sure some of those things are hereditary, but that is no excuse to push a person into feeling worse about their own life. It is easy to write of behavior as teenage angst or aggression, but when every one of your children experience it, there is obviously an underlying issue. I felt alone. I had no one, and every person I talked to would get convinced that I was starving for attention.
I am not writing this because I want attention. I want to make that very clear. I am writing this to bring light to a much larger issue. I don’t sit around without a job waiting for people on social media to console me or praise me for my writing. I am writing so that you can read this and perhaps gain a new perspective. You may have a child who is experiencing these emotions, or you may be the one pushing your kids feelings under the rug. Please don’t give up on a difficult person.
If you think what I’ve written so far is awful, I have not even begun to express the journey I’ve had. Thank you again for your continuous support.
Part 6 coming soon