When I was fourteen, my mother died of a drug overdose. No matter how hard I try, I cannot forget the feelings I experienced as a child. Most children never have to struggle mentally the way I did. Not only did I have to go without the guidance of a mother, but I got to face a woman each and every day that wished I was dead. I’ve been asked to stop writing these articles, and my answer is no.
“If anyone on this planet has broken my heart the most, it is my own father.”
Let me go ahead and explain my reasoning behind writing all of these terrible things. My reason is that this is the first time in my entire life that I have felt heard. No one listened to me as a child. Not only is my writing helping others at this time, but it truly is helping me too. I feel a sense of relief when I am able to express myself, and people need to know what has framed my life. These events aren’t going to magically change. I’m not going to wake up one morning and forget the way my step mom made me feel every single day, so why would I give anyone the pleasure of pretending it never happened. Every single bit of it happened and for those of you who were involved in my life while it was happening, this isn’t to harm you. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. I’m trying to correct the issue. You’re blinded by this woman who pretends to love you.
My heart aches because I truly tried to get along with her. I can think of several occasions where I’ve hugged the woman and even bought her gifts. I’ve tried talking to her, hell as stupid as it sounds, I’ve even asked her for advice. The hardest part of this entire journey is learning that it will never be fixed. I’m never going to make her love and respect me. That’s what prompted the blog posts in the first place. I’ve given up on having a relationship with her. I have exhausted all of my efforts, and I know you’re wondering “Why would you even want to have a relationship with such a terrible person?”. My answer to that is because she is married to my dad. I love him very much, but he is so blinded that he allowed these things to happen.
I had a ton of wonderful moments with my dad growing up, and he knows that too. The thing about it is that telling your child about your marital problems when she’s only 13 does nothing for you or for your family. The only thing that ever did was give me false hope. I dreamed every day that they would get a divorce, but that never happened. He’s still married to her. I’ve come to realize that he may love me, but he loves her more. He loves this woman so much and I simply don’t understand. If anyone on this planet has broken my heart the most, it is my own father.
Growing up I would desperately cling to the moments where he was around. As a small kid I would wait for him at the back door to get home, and I would offer to go to work with him in the summertime. I think he was so patient with me because he knew what I had to go through during this period of time, but wouldn’t the correct thing to do would be to take me away from these things? Either way, my dad was the only glint of hope I had left after the death of my mother, and perhaps he knew that and used it as a sense of control over me? We all have issue’s and we’ve all make mistakes, but to me this seems to be an obvious one.
My dad’s response is to run away. He ran away each time my step mom and I had any sort of altercation (especially when I got older), and he ran away when he found out about my blog series. I’m curious now if he actually read my blog or if my step mom read parts of it to him. I may have damaged my relationship with him, but I need him to understand. I need him to understand that there are other options. He doesn’t have to stay. His reasoning’s for staying are beyond me, because he certainly doesn’t seem happy anymore. Years of anger and frustration weigh heavily on his face, and he is beginning to look like a new person to me.
I really wish he would listen to me. I know he could be so much happier.
Part 5 coming soon.