The Tale of my divorce (4)

When I finally detached myself from my ex-husband, I felt a sense of relief. As I drove away from this stranger and his father my mind drifted into thoughts of living a life alone. I felt like I might be able to take care of myself, and maybe I didn’t have to have someone. I imagined living in a studio apartment with a few pets and being able to hang out with my friends. I had lost so many friends by this point that it was almost humorous to think about being an adult and meeting new people. I had been programmed to not make eye contact with strangers, and I spent a lot of time looking at the floor. I assumed that because of my mental anguish, that I was supposed to be that way. I began dating very soon after my divorce. I needed to rehabilitate my mind, and dating was the perfect way to distract myself. I didn’t know if I would recover from my social anxiety, but then it clicked for me. I wasn’t always socially anxious. I hadn’t always cringed at the thought of having a conversation with a stranger. I can fix this.

I dated only one man after my divorce. This man is one of the most kind and generous people I’ve ever met. I almost didn’t want to trust him because he was so kind to me, and I had grown skeptical of kindness.  From the very beginning he made me feel like I was special. I used to think I knew what love was. I thought I had felt that gentle pull on my heart before, however I think people tend to confuse love and comfort. I had been in comfortable relationships before, but I never loved those people. I thought I did once, until I learned what love actually feels like.  I learned that love isn’t gentle at all. Love is rushing and exciting. That gentle pull that I had felt before was nothing like the pull this man put on my heart.

I began spending outrageous amounts of time with this man. He and I spend so much time together that by the end of 4 or 5 months I knew more about him than I knew about anyone. When I looked into his eyes I knew he loved me more than anything or anyone else, and I loved him far more than I had ever thought possible. Before long, I had learned his mannerisms and what he liked/disliked, I knew it all. I felt like I had known him my entire life, and he felt the same. By this point, I was worried. I was worried that because things had been so utterly amazing that something bad would happen, but funny thing is that things are still great and it’s been a wonderful year.

I don’t know if meeting him helped me get over my previous situation, or if I was meant to find him and that awful marriage was part of my journey. All I know is that I’ve never been happier. I’m happy not because I need a man, but because I know I’m capable of taking care of myself. I know that if I need to support myself that I can successfully do it. I don’t need to be in a relationship, I want to be. I believe that is the key to happiness. The key is being able to feel free while being with someone, and if you don’t feel free what is the point?

 

Did you like this series? Please leave a comment letting me know what you think! Also, please share my story with friends who could benefit from it. Please come back for my next series discussing my childhood and ways to prevent mental abuse in children. Thank you again for reading and I hope your day is magical.

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